YIKES... Need advice!

[shasta-daisy]

Ok, so an old worldly boyfriend that I broke up with quite, quite some time ago has started calling me. He says he wants to see me. I say "Not a good idea." He says I totally blew him off since we stopped dating. He asked "can't we be friends." I said "Yeah, but we should probably only see each other in appropriate group settings.... and not so frequently." He says he respects me and my decisions. But he keeps calling me. And we were friends and then boyfriend/girlfriend soooo long, I don't want to be rude and not answer his calls. I don't know what to say to him. He's not that wild of a guy as far as guys in the world go, but still.....Should I say we really can not be friends, or should I say "Yeah, its ok, we can be friends." OR WHAT???? I really don't want to be mean to him. I'm that kind of person. I don't like confrontation and I don't like to be hurtful to others. Please, someone give me some advice on this situation.

[joris]

The usual "answer", pray about it. Though I think you didn't really need to hear that ;)

Am thinking, he should respect that you do not like him calling you frequently. If he really isn't responding to you disliking that, that isn't too friendly.
Anyway, I think, it's hard to respond to such question, not knowing the guy, and all.

[JoeC]

I'm still thinking about this, but here's my initial thoughts and some references:


Amos 3:3
Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
When I befriend someone, it's because we enjoy some commonality. With believers, the foundation is first and fore-most the Word. With unbelievers, it will be because I'm taking a class with the person, I work with them, we enjoy doing some sport together, etc.

From just a natural viewpoint, I don't see a reason for the friendship. What you had in common was severed years ago and you both have gone seperate directions since.

A few questions:

What purpose could this relationship serve--and to what end?

Better question: What purpose could this guy have for trying to engage you in a relationship after all these years?

Best Question: Who's orchestrating this? We are in a battle--two sides only.


If this boy is hungering for the God that's inside you, I would refer him to a brother who can be depended upon to witness well and handle the situation correctly.

If all he wants is to forge some sort of relationship with you--watch out! Us guys don't just call a girl up after several years for no reason. We don't call her again and again, investing all that effort, just to "be friends." That's the sorry truth. I'd run if I were you.

My opinion only.

btw, I know you're twenty-six and all, but have you asked your parents advice?

[BroTrevor]

If all he wants is to forge some sort of relationship with you--watch out! Us guys don't just call a girl up after several years for no reason. We don't call her again and again, investing all that effort, just to "be friends." That's the sorry truth. I'd run if I were you.


<chuckle>

He speaks truth!!! Heed what he's saying there.

[shasta-daisy]

yeah, I kinda think "We can be friends." might be a front..... but I guess I am naive sometimes about guys motives.... I want to believe him and all.... and your right, there really isn't a purpose for starting a friendship up again, especially if he has another motive.... which he just might. thanks for the input.

[JoeC]

Well, if it comes down to it, don't be afraid of telling him that there's no point to his calling you. Ignore him if he tries to make as if you're "blowing him off"--he knows he his own hidden agendas and will back off when he realizes his bluff has been called.

Of course, this is assuming scenario #2 from my previous post. As Joris said, and as we must continually do, seek direction from the Lord and then proceed as He leads you.

God speed.

[Babyruth]

This usually does the trick as well. (http://cache.smarthome.com/images/79917j.jpg) :P

[NeedGod]

I had a situation like that last year if anyone remembers. Nearly all worldly my exes resurfaced and that was pretty intimidating. I was also pretty naive (some will argue that I still am) so I had a hard time telling them off. But the devil used that to chip at my armour so that it came to a point that I was growing weaker everytime. Thats when I realised that all that wasn't edifying me. I stopped being nice. Ok, fine, so maybe I took the cowardly way and just ignored phone calls, blocked them on messengers and blocked emails, but it was all I could do. If it doesn't edify you, flee from it. I think exes are positively exhausting to deal with. Sigh!

[AgapZoe]

lol ruth!!!!

well, i agree with joe and also with needGod. but you see it isn't only the exes. currently am attached at a hospital and it is like this medics have never seen a young girl, so natural, so well mannerred (ok atleast trying to be) and all - so they think they can all call me up daily to take me for coffee! hey, someone should tell them i don't take coffee :) and also, other musicians out there - in the denominations, who think we got the same interests and therefore think they are going to win me to be there wife, since am clad up! you know gals out think they look pretty walking half naked or naked.

a most recent example is a pharmacist who has really desired to take me out for coffee and he is convinced that our meeting was destined! heh. i tell ya. so he asked me if 'i can grant him the pleasure to wash down his stress by coffee on friday.' thankfully, i had a ready answer of going to church from 5 to 7 pm for the evening fellowship on friday!

the best thing is to FLEE. and oh yea, i dont pick their calls either...and do not reply their text msgs. they can be a nuisance i tell you.

[joris]

you know, maybe I'm silly, since I was the only one not to assume this man to be monster :confused: Sorry for posting so silly. Probably I'm the naive one here. I have to agree, yes, there are some awfully ugly demons out there, making men behave like monsters. You do have a point - it could be like that.

Though perhaps he just needs to start to see she's serious, not just "playing hard to get", when she claims they may be friends, but nothing beyond that.

[JoeC]

I don't recall portraying the guy as a monster, joris.

[Noe]

you could do what a friend of mine does when guys want to take her for a coffee or something. she declines their offer and gives them her church address and service times. only one has ever decided to come to church:p....lol

[joris]

you could do what a friend of mine does when guys want to take her for a coffee or something. she declines their offer and gives them her church address and service times. only one has ever decided to come to church:p....lolwhat happened with this one? :)

[joris]

I don't recall portraying the guy as a monster, joris.Maybe I misinterpreted the full meaning of this part,watch out! ... I'd run if I were you.

[BroTrevor]

Of course, there is the POSSIBILITY of him being a monster, inspired completely by the devil to pull her out of church, and get her doing things that will ultimately send her soul to hell.

But that has nothing to do with a big green hairy one eyed, 8 toed monster...

It'd be much worse.

The is REAL danger there in an ex with formerly amorous affections to want to be more than "just friends"

Could he just be honestly and unmonsterly looking to restore friendship? Could be. Chances are more slim tho. There's lots of nice youth groups out there if you are just looking for friendship.

I'm not assuming this guy is a devil inspired monster, but what if it where *your* soul on the line when a guy or girl comes calling??

Maybe I'm melodramatic...

and maybe I'm not.

[SisTrev]

well you dont wanna totally reject the guy...thats not very christian like. But if he's really wanting to be friends because he sees something in you that he likes/admires, then maybe God is using you to bring him in. As long as he understands that you will never go out alone with him and he is willing to hang out with a group of friends (preferrably from your church youth group) then i think that would be fine.

There is a mom in our homeschool group that isn't what you'd call "in the message". She's a very good christian tho and really loves the Lord. We dont reject her and not let her into our group because of that. In fact, she's trying and searchign really hard for the Lord to revel the truth to her. So we just be friends with her and include her in our get-togethers and and pray for the Lord to give her peace and guidance.

I realize in your situation its with a guy and girl ...which is why i think the group thing is a great idea.

AM i making any since?

[joris]

well you dont wanna totally reject the guy...thats not very christian like.You don't mean risking, this demon possessed monster dragging her soul to hell, do you?

Seriously - I'm happy at least someone sees there is something good about a positive attitude. If one just rejects/avoids out of fear of whatever-may-happen, not many will ever receive Christ. I'm pretty sure a rejective fear-based response would give a very ugly "testimoney" (when was the last time bible suggested acting based on fear as a good attitude?)

[JoeC]

well you dont wanna totally reject the guy...thats not very christian like.

I agree...unless he shows his objectives to be incompatible with Christian behaviour. I'm not assuming they will be, I'm only saying if...

But if he's really wanting to be friends because he sees something in you that he likes/admires, then maybe God is using you to bring him in.

My humble opinion, but I would be very careful about the mentality of using a guy-girl relationship as a lure for Christ. This is why I said that if he is interested in what you have as a Christian, then I would suggest referring him to a brother you can trust to witness well and handle the potential complexities of the situation wisely.

As long as he understands that you will never go out alone with him and he is willing to hang out with a group of friends (preferrably from your church youth group) then i think that would be fine.

OK. I agree to some extent. If a girl that I was friends with through college wanted to hang out, I'd want to make every effort to let her see the love of Christ through my **awesome** youth group, in addition to inviting her to church. Alone time...as in driving alone to church? No... and no... and no!

On the other hand, this isn't just some totally platonic friend. For myself, I know that if I had a previous ex from the world that had re-surfaced, it would be hard to deal with the emotional tension that I would inevitably feel by being around them again. But that's me. And maybe I'm just weird...or maybe the way I'm wired would make me more susceptible than most. I can only say what I'd do. Namwacha can only tell you what her experiences were. Only God can lead you in the right path, perfectly according to His Great Plan.

But like I said Shasta, I would ask my parents--especially if they are godly ones. I don't know the situation, but I'm guessing they already know the guy from before and would have a better idea than any of us. I hope that you've found direction in the "multitude of counselours," wherein Proverbs says there is safety.

[AndrewMichael]

I honestly can say, as far as accepting any sort of one-on-one situation with an ex from the world, that is a complete NO. And I say this from experience.

If they seriously want friendship, then you need to point them to the true friendship, and that's in Christ. Inviting them to church is a fabulous idea in my opinion (then you get to find true motive of the situation).

In deepest sincerity though, with emotional attactment before, I find it hard that God would put YOU in charge of directly leading them back to Christ, with having to deal with such strain, strain I have been in myself unfortunetly...

And using relationships to bring people to Christ doesn't work, at least in God's perfect will (2 Corinthians 6 forbades it, thus it cannot be His perfect will), but your life and consecration to God, resisting to do what looks "harmless friendship time," should be salty enough for him to realize you are different, that Christ is alive in you, and that hopefully should draw him if there is anything to draw.

Such as Lot living in Sodom did nothing for Sodom in the time of trouble, but Abraham's consecration saved the whole city (and also Lot) from the Kings, all because he was FULLY consecrated to God. Coming halfway to the world (compromising on the Word) to pull people out is NOT our Lord's method of salvation. Never has, and never will. Only the Lord is allowed to get into our sin to pull us out since He was the only one who could go to hell and conquer it.

Again, just my two cents... *throws in coins*

[BroTrevor]

You don't mean risking, this demon possessed monster dragging her soul to hell, do you?

Seriously - I'm happy at least someone sees there is something good about a positive attitude. If one just rejects/avoids out of fear of whatever-may-happen, not many will ever receive Christ. I'm pretty sure a rejective fear-based response would give a very ugly "testimoney" (when was the last time bible suggested acting based on fear as a good attitude?)


<sigh>

I wrote a big response to how I feel rejected as a fear mongering looney...

but I lost it.

Suffice it to say, we weren't talking about saving the poor lad's soul. We were talking about if it was WISE to enter into a friendship with the guy.

It's not wise to enter into such friendship.

Now, if people were disposed to just accept and heed my counsel, just because I gave it...that would have been enough.

But, that's typically not the case. SO, I decided to give some OPTIONS of what JUST MIGHT, (and statistically probably does) happen. One of those options is that her life just might be completely destroyed.

Another one of those options is, he gets saved, and they marry and live a long happy life together.

However, it simply isn't wise to play with fire.

Now, if she would have asked, "should I pick up a big burning branch?" I would have told her, dumb idea, YOU MIGHT GET BURNED. Now of course, there is the possibility that she might not. Am I fear mongering?? No, it's just being WISE not to play with fire.

So forgive me for just helping to show WHY I thought it was a DUMB IDEA. (i.e. She just might get burned on it).

Joris, even you have to believe it's a dumb idea for her to go hanging out with this guy. Why do you do this??

Fact is, this guy might just be a nice guy. But She isn't the one to go help him come to Christ.

Just like the former drunks, the best place for them to witness, might not be a bar. You don't go fight a battle on your enemies ground. You bring the enemy to your ground, where you have the tactical advantage.

Failing to consider your enemies tactics is DUMB. Not being fearful, just being wise.

Now, if we want to help this boy, and see him saved...then she should include her pastor or some brother in witnessing to the guy. Call your old friend up and say, Hey, I care about you and want to share something important with you. Mind if I come over with my pastor??

[SisTrev]

ok...so i guess my post came across totally wrong. Sorry. I'll shut up now.

[joris]

But, that's typically not the case. SO, I decided to give some OPTIONS of what JUST MIGHT, (and statistically probably does) happen. One of those options is that her life just might be completely destroyed.

Another one of those options is, he gets saved, and they marry and live a long happy life together.Who is talking of marriage? Apparently your view about her is, she is having some rather special feelings for him. Now if that were really true, yes, then it would be risky. Though she'd know if she had such strong feelings towards him, and she really wouldn't have to ask whether that could be a problem. She didn't say anything like that at all, as far as I know

[JoeC]

I believe the purpose of this thread has been achieved. I do not believe it is expedient to carry on extraneous discussion around an advice thread of this nature. This thread is now closed.