Why don't guys talk?

[Abashai]

Had the go ahead to repost this so here goes...

I have been thinking about this for a little while, and have talked with some friends, and in fact had a discussion just today with an older young person (31 and married, but hey its whats in the heart) about the fact that it seems like guys, generaly speaking (or maybe I've just been living in a box), just don't really talk with each other about anything more substantial than say... the latest sports results, or, with my group of friends, latest paintball equipment, hunting stuff, and other things that guys do.
Now I'm about to go on a bit of rant here so please be forewarned.

Why is it that girls are allowed to unburden their hearts to one another, and share their deepest feelings, what they are going through, different struggles that they have as young women, but as a guy it would seem to break "the unwritten Man Code" or being considered somewhat ,please excuse the expression, "gay"?
Wouldn't it be much more beneficial for young men if they were able to just find another guy that they connected with, a good pal, and just be able to share their struggles and just the different things they are facing?
Perhaps I am only speaking for myself, but I know that personally I have a difficult time just sitting down and talking, personally, to a friend. (you might not know by the ammount that I type) Perhaps part of it is just they way my personality was programed, but I think a large part of it has to do with the stereotypical "Man Code" that men generally try to take things on, by themselves, and don't really show that they are struggling. Which in a couple ways I would be able to see the plus side of it, because a man has to be the head of the home, and is placed in a leadership role, and has to, as the head of the home, really tackle by himself some serious issues. (I'm speaking completely hypothetical here, and only from a couple of my random observations about marriage.... those more experienced please correct me).
However this stereotypical image, can cause alot of the problems associated with the "coming of age" part of life. Or if not create the problems... help to accentuate them. By not talking about the things with others, you would sometimes be lead to think that you were the only one struggling these issues. (I'm being slightly vague because I don't have enough experience on this forum to know really what would be considered "Kosher").
Now arguably you could say that two young men who are struggling spiritually, perhaps would not be the best combination for a "heart to heart", perhaps alot of this is situation specific.
I do know from personal experience that there are demons, that are completely powerless once exposed. The devil, who is an opportunist, knows this and often attacks very personal areas where it would be a great embarassment to expose, and so by not exposing the demon gains power.
I think that if guys were a little more open with close friends there could be a reduction in "spiritual wavering" if I could say it like that.

And its not even neccisarily the sexual struggles that we young men have but the spiritual things, even when we have just reached a spiritual plateau, where you are not going backwards, but you aren't going forwards either. Many times you can just get contented in your spiritual walk where you think "everythings just alright" but really its not because your not comparing yourself to the standard that God's Word sets, you are comparing youself to the standards that you create, judging your spiritual position by the position of others. Just say "Well I'm doing alot better than they are so I must be doing alright". But what we fail to do is judge ourselves by God's Word, and the high standard that this Message sets. Just by talking and sharing with one another, it would not only help each other but even provoke each other to do better, to try harder, to fight harder.

And it ties in to something else that includes all young people in general, (if you are still reading this e-novel congratulations, and my appologies)

As a young man who has grown up in the Message, and has had friends surrounding me my whole life that have grown up in the Message... why is it that when we just get around together just hanging out, that it is so difficult to have a spiritually centered, and focused conversation? It seems like when young people get together (generalizing again) that the message is just something that is "understood" between them and it, most often, isn't the focal point of activities and conversation.
We get together just talk, joke, laugh, have fun, and all about things that aren't at all wrong, but just not based around the Word. It seems that the majority of the focus is on other things that don't really matter, and a small part is on things that are of utmost importance. It's completley backwards from what it should be... like I said not necisarily things that are wrong, but just things that take your time away from focusing on what is really important.

Please don't get the impression by reading this that I am some super spriritual, untouchable, perfect, young person that is critisizing everyone else. I am not by any stretch of the imagination. I am just trying to point out, and discuss things that I see in my own life that could probably use some changing. Anyone else? Or am I just the only one... the sore thumb... the stranger in the crowd?
Your insight would be really great.... just what do you think?

[Babyruth]

I can't give you any answers on why guys don't talk, but something I've noticed in regards to young people being able to talk about spiritual things as easily as sports or whatever it might be that you talk about is that lately it has gotten easier to talk about the Word with my friends. A couple years ago, it was mentioned in a service about how we walk out of church and immediately talk about something besides the service, other than, "That was a good service." "Yeah..." <insert awkward silence> And I realized, that was pretty accurate, even for myself. While I didn't feel that I was necessarily spiritually lacking, I just didn't know what else to say. But lately, over the past couple of years, I know I have spiritually matured, not that I have it all together, believe me, I don't at all, but I have grown closer to God and the services have stopped being just good and have started really applying to my life and I've started letting the Word cut away and build me up so that each service isn't just a good service, but each service is spiritual food in due season. As this has been happening, it's become top priority in my life, and I can see in the lives of my friends, and it's no longer just church but actually life. I know this might not necessarily be what you're looking for, but it's what I've experienced. I can now talk for a long time about how the service applied and how God is so good and how He brought the man of God in line with what I have been experiencing in my life, etc.

I'm not saying anyone is spiritually immature or anything, but it's what I've noticed in my life, that as the Word has become my life, as it consumes me and as I consume it, and as I've seen it do that in other's lives, I see that talking about the Word comes naturally. Hope that helps.

[Megs]

another thing.... while they look at you awkwardly keep encouraging the conversation in a spiritual vein. While I rarely START spiritual convos, I am refreshed and relieved to discuss with my peers. And you can never leave a convo about God feeling bad or like you wasted yer time. you will always learn SOMETHING about the other person you never would have if you just discussed Monday night soccer. But soccer is WAY easier to get everyone involved in the discussion.

[joris]

But soccer is WAY easier to get everyone involved in the discussion.almost everyone ;)

[Abashai]

Well either monday night soccer, or tuesday night baseball, or thursday night volleyball, or friday night shopping, or saturday afternoon paintball.... it all depends on the group of friends. The point is that it is much easier to engage in a conversation with a group of friends about natural things than it is about spiritual things.... although I like what you said Ruth... about a maturing in the Word of God. I think it also has a large part to do on what you feed on.... If we fed ourselves regularly spiritual food than we would probably have more to talk about.

But as far as not be able to comment on guys talking.... I think you girls have much more insight than that. You talk all the time... how do you do it? Or do you.... are the conversations just as fruitless as guy converstions usually are.... If they are than you can talk for a very long time about nothing... and my efforts to understand have been wasted...

[Babyruth]

But as far as not be able to comment on guys talking.... I think you girls have much more insight than that. You talk all the time... how do you do it? Or do you.... are the conversations just as fruitless as guy converstions usually are.... If they are than you can talk for a very long time about nothing... and my efforts to understand have been wasted...
Do you mean talking in general? I know that girls are supposed to talk more than boys, and I do agree, most do. However, I do not feel I do. You can't tell from my writing, but in real life, I rarely talk during the week. The only times I talk are if I get together with a friend or am at church or other gathering. It's my only time. I rarely talk to people at school because I'm in class and don't talk while class is going, and afterwards, go and study til my next class. I guess I make up for it in words. :P Anyways... a lot of the guys I know talk way more than girls, or at least the ones I tend to notice. I don't notice them sitting around silently, even your group of guy friends, Micah. I have rarely noticed you all lacking for words. But, maybe you mean when you are alone, or not in larger groups. I'm not sure.

[chocolateismybestfriend]

i dont think there is a simple answer to this. Not all guys have issues talking about personal or spiritual subjects amongst themselves or with girls. Its based purely on the person, whether they like to be open and the personal bond between them and who ever they are talking to.

I truly think it comes down to the individual. If you are speaking personally how you would like that you need to create a special bond, perhaps with 1 person or amongst a group its up to you to begin that.

My experience is probably unique and may not apply. However here it is :

Firstly, there are hardly any girls here and once my sister left our church to go overseas there was 2 other girls around my age and we werent close. There are times when i have felt so alone so i decided that it would be great to get the youth together, and i felt a push to start that.

Within the youth at the church i attend we never had personal or spiritual conversations up until the last few years. We have grown together by hanging out, going camping, playing games, building jigsaws, going to the beach, rainforest walks etc, but all those things have made us more comfortable with each other to the point we can talk about the Word, we can talk about trials in our lives.

Don't think we are all open and express everything. There are those who are quiet, who keep more to themselves and listen more than speak, and then there are those who will express whatever is on their heart. I can tell you we are still growing and learning more about each other as well.

There simply is just no generic answer for your question. All i can say is pray, grow closer even if it begins as hanging out and having some fun in order to be more comfortable and friendly so you can talk about the Word. Because i bet if you are wanting to do that, there are others amongst your friends/group that are wanting to as well.

[NeedGod]

The strangest thing about this is that, sometimes after an exceptionally great service, I won't have anything to say. When it strikes me so so deep, i'll be quiet because perhaps it touched sensitive parts of my life. Or perhaps its so deep i haven't got words for it. Either way, sometimes people not talking about a sermon isn't a sign of immaturity or spiritual lack, it might actually be a sign that the sermon touched on something deep. However, sometimes the service is so great I am bubbling over, wanting to talk to someone about it. Different sermons, different reactions. Both don't mean anything negative. Either way, there's a blessing.

[joris]

For me personal... I was so extremely closed when I first came to youth meetings of the local church (and to the same local church) - I had to grow out of a habbit of never expressing what I thought or felt. (which obviously includes that I didn't easily ask questions, or express my thoughts, around the bible)
Nowadays I express a lot more (though it's still, a struggle to start talking, each time)
Different people act... different, in this group. Some don't share so much. Some have the courage to actually express their struggles. A girl (a good friend, I mentioned earlier), kinda hints at them in what she says, though she often won't say them out loud immediately...
How open you are has a lot to do with trusting - which takes time to grow

[EllyMae]

How open you are has a lot to do with trusting - which takes time to grow

I agree. Sometimes it doesn't always have to do with how naturally or spiritually mature you are. How much you know, or how much you're able to talk about. Of course, we're always going to feel more comfortable talking to people who are close to us, so when we're with people we don't feel as "safe" around, it's going to be more difficult for us to talk about the deeper things. Knowing that you can trust the person has a lot to do with how easily you're able to talk to them (especially for those who don't trust so easily, or has self-insecurity issues). But as we get to know certain people better over a period of time, we're able to open up to them more.

[NeedGod]

I looked at the title again today. Why don't guys talk, it said. I thought to myself, 'yeah, why don't they?'

[Jezz]

I think you'll find that they do talk :-p

[Nate]

I think you'll find that they do talk :-p

Yeah. You're just not trying hard enough.

[leahmb]

Yeah, they do...in the right times to the right people.

[TommyLewis]

I have to say, my friends and I talk alot...about alot of things...God, Satan, Blessings, Trials, The message, The Bible, Business, Philosophy, Sports, Mathematics, Science, Ethics, Poetry, Literature, Politics, Music...

The trick for me is understanding that while those are all things I enjoy talking about, they are not necesarilly things all of my friends enjoy talking about. I just talk to each friend about things I know interest him...That makes for much more pure, organic, natural conversations...

[NeedGod]

Lol, well, I do talk to them, but they take more effort to talk to than girls. Or perhaps I am just shy, ask anyone who has met me... :lol:

[Skirty]

strange... the guys I know seem to talk too much :D

[Babyruth]

strange... the guys I know seem to talk too much :D
Lol, I'd have to agree. :P At least the ones we mutually know. :P

[vpiper]

strange... the guys I know seem to talk too much :D
yeah i have a friend who lives on his cell. . .

but kidding aside guys seem to open up people close to them in personal conversations. un like girls they are more likely to care who knows thier business.

I'm married and I know my husband gets into deep conversations, spiritual and personal with his close friends and brothers in Christ.

[Benoni]

Well either monday night soccer, or tuesday night baseball, or thursday night volleyball, or friday night shopping, or saturday afternoon paintball.... it all depends on the group .....

But as far as not be able to comment on guys talking.... I think you girls have much more insight than that. You talk all the time... how do you do it? Or do you.... are the conversations just as fruitless as guy converstions usually are.... If they are than you can talk for a very long time about nothing... and my efforts to understand have been wasted...

Oh, my it all depends, but i believe there is alot you are talking about bro! well, talking about Jesus, is alot harder than soccer, but boys very often talk about our troubles. Sure we do, but just like any other humans, talking about the less threatening, more acceptable is much easier. I was once talking to a friend (bro in christ, a message believer) and i mentioned some weakness, and he had some expression which actually meant,"these things dont happen among believers men,".....why cannt God cut off any found like this and that, and throw them in hell even before the others ( abit not worse) join them. For sure, i cannever say, bro, i do have that weakness. And it might make me keep my mouth shut up, coz i am a man afterall.
In Christian things though, there are no me! Satan is more manly than many men!
lets talk about HIm coz thats when He will come to us!

[Benoni]

I looked at the title again today. Why don't guys talk, it said. I thought to myself, 'yeah, why don't they?'

Sis, we do talk! Dont we?

[joris]

Sis, we do talk! Dont we?Maybe some do...
Oh well, "talking" may not be the main issue, actually... communicating, on the other hand, isn't trivial; not to me anyway

[Megs]

my brother can talk for literally an hour and not once willl he slip up and SAY anything. He makes obscurity an art. lol.

[Abashai]

ya perhaps I should have said "communicate with each other" rather than just talk.
What I meant is how is it that guys, and maybe girls too (i dunno i live in a box) can talk for hours and not say anything significant.
I guess it just boils down to what our focus is, as opposed to what our focus should be. If we fully realize why we were put on this earth, and the the tremendous Grace that God showed us, and that our ultimate goal should be Rapture, then I'm sure, it would be our main topic of conversation. It seems the Devil is very skilled at diverting our attention away from things of eternal value.

[joris]

In church, I have two great friends - a guy, and a girl. The "funny" thing is, I speak more openly on 'deeper' stuff with this girl, than with this guy. I don't know whether it's "etiquette" with guys to talk "fun" mainly, or that it's just me, or him, or... but it's like that.


Though to be all honest, the latter hasn't happened exactly often yet - this sunday service was a really good time, also in social interaction -- well at least, asking her things and sharing some myself, and it was good :) I'm sure it was some guiding of God then. I shared some I heared on (romantic) relations (which is kinda what is on her heart), what I thought might be a blessing to her, and for the other friend also, but he wasn't right there right then, so... like that :undecided:)

[joris]

<Ok, so I posted, then edited. and am not allowed to correct, because now some line doesn't make sence anymore>

[emy_faithgurl]

I notice at my church all the boys either run around madly, hang out with us girls or talk about motorbikes. Weird...:think: But us girls we just sit down and talk about anything...But it always does depend on who you are... I am someone who expresses their feelings openly (Sometimes gets me into trouble...ekkk...lol) but I can be extremely quiet when it comes to personal things. But I've had enough personal problems in my life and it has never helped when I kept them bottled up inside. I find its good to have trustworthy friends were you can share your problems to and still feel comfortable around them. I'm very blessed to have trustworthy friends. I've had some bad ones in the past, but the Lord has blessed me in finding good friends.

[AgapZoe]

:) interesting response emy.

well, just thought ad say something small about friends and friendships, esp trustworthy friends. i dont want to sound like am giving a lecture or some kinda of 'do's and don'ts' but just to share. it has come to me after reading your response emy...:)

very true, getting true friends is one of the hardest and tricky thing in life! but i read somewhere once and came across an interesting line that over time has been verifying itself to be true, day in and day out: if you want to get great and trustworthy friends, be one. it may sound cliche but really, we attract what we are, and the world is a mirror of who we really are. in the past, i could have said that 'i've had some bad friends', but really, thinking back now, i can say 'i was a bad friend.' so maybe i did not intend to be a bad friend but because of the circumstances that surrounded me then, and the way of my thought then, my ignorant and naive nature, (or whatever reason that could have been then), i was not the good and trustworthy friend that i was ought to be, trust me, the adage "birds of a fearther flock together" is true. even if i may not have been exactly like these bad friends, i realise that i was potentially bad in such instances - so, over time, i realised that for me to really get trustworthy and great friends, i have to be one.

well, hope av said something - though too many words. God bless

[jtucker]

This is out of the blue for me to post i know, but bare with me.

Guys do talk, in fact i talk to my best friend about my most personal problems and feelings and he does the same with me, we are closer than even my brothers and i. but that kind of trust doesn't come easy, it's only because we have been friends since we were 2 that we have that kind of Bond. For me to answer this question i have to use what little 24 years of experience have given me to be considered wisdom.

Trust is the issue of why Guys don't talk to their friends like Girls do. Men are wired to internalize all things and crawl into a cave and deal with their problems rather than talk about them. so to learn to talk to someone on that level is a huge step and it's a huge change from the usual natural primal act of going into our mental caves.

To talk to someone about your problems is in a way, given power to that person, by entrusting them with your personal feelings, emotions, and also your reputation(Not saying we should be worried about our rep, just acknowledging our natures reaction to guard it) it's opening a part of yourself to others and entrusting them not to crush and abuse what you have shown them of yourselves.

Trust is the biggest issue, also self trust and dependence. Their is the natural want to solve the problems on their own in the privacy of their own lives. talking about your issues and problems can very easily be looked at as "i can't handle my problems because i am weak" which makes the person generally draw farther back and try harder to deal with their stress and issues personally.

James 5 says
Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Galatians says
Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

the final bottom line is this, no matter what our flesh may tell us, nor how hard it may try to convince us to keep all to ourselves, The Word of the Lord teaches us to be trusting towards one another, and to confess these things to one another that we may lift one another up to the Lord in prayer. Lifting one anothers burdens upon ourselves in love.

Josh

[AgapZoe]

the final bottom line is this, no matter what our flesh may tell us, nor how hard it may try to convince us to keep all to ourselves, The Word of the Lord teaches us to be trusting towards one another, and to confess these things to one another that we may lift one another up to the Lord in prayer. Lifting one anothers burdens upon ourselves in love.

Josh

Amen. thanks a lot for sharing this. I, personally, find it hard to trust people esp lately, but I thank God for giving me trustworthy friends. In the past, I have been one to entrust easily, but with wounds caused from betrayal, I have become humanly cautious! But then, with maturity and the entire growth process, I am learning to trust again, and also, to be trusted! Friends, esp in the message, are the best thing to have ever happened to me. I thank God for all my trusted friends.

Thanks again Josh for sharing. God bless

[jtucker]

Your Welcome, :P

[redeemed]

wow...I haven't read much of this thread...it's really good :S :)