Never met, acquaintances, friends, good friends, courtship? Where does it all mesh...

[cabletown]

Never met, acquaintances, friends, good friends, courtship? Where does it all mesh together? And how?


What is the stage called between “never met” and “courtship”? How does that work? Ok, so every situation is different but still any thoughts on this?


A majority of guys and girls pretty much will admit if they are honest with themselves that they probably toss around different people in their mind about being a possibility to marry someday.


Guy grows up in church and notices a couple nice girls. Maybe he has a chance just to get around them enough in causal conversation after church and youth get together to get to know whether someone would be compatible or not. Maybe one or two he thinks would work but doesn't know for sure. Now what? Pray obviously! But how would he approach it? Just wait? Approach one father about courting his daughter? Is a girl even supposed to show an outward interest in a guy before the boy has the fathers permission to court her?


Guy goes to some weekend meetings at another church and sees a girl he thinks is nice, pretty, nice character, blah, blah, blah. Maybe he gets a chance to say “Hello, God bless you sister” and a quick handshake (maybe ;) ). Maybe she has a brother he talks to a bit. So far he likes what he sees. Now guy and girl could connect long distance (via phone, email, IM) if the permission and blessings from both parents are there. So he calls the dad, dad says it's ok to court his daughter.


Obviously dad can make two choices if girl is not aware that she has an admirer. Tell the girl or let the boy actually court/win the girl over. Is this completely dependent on circumstances in the situation? Should boy first court/win the girl over a bit before he talks to her dad (in a subtle way)?


What if after a few weeks/months he or she discovers they aren't meant to be together. They end it. Now a couple months later boy notices another girl. Or is there allowed a repeat? Time between a two courtships?


It seems... and maybe I'm missing something here... that there is a space between “never met” and “courtship” that I'm kind of puzzled about how that works? Some you might discover right away they aren't for you. Some might take a week of communicating to discover that (but none the less that's what it takes in that situation). Especially in a long distance situation.


A boy is to respect the parents in all of this, but where are they brought into the loop? Should a boy go around confessing to each father his slight interest in a girl and then find out a couple weeks later that ti isn't going to work?


What if guy goes to father, talks to father, father says ok, goes and tells girl, “hey, boy is interested in you” and girl has a emotional train wreck for a few days not knowing if it's the Lord's will or not to court the guy. Would it be better to not have the father tell the girl (as he feels led of course) and to give permission to the boy to actually win (or court) over his daughter... and if she shows no interest to realize that and move on?


What level should the guy and girl know each other before they court (i.e. seek the blessings and permission from each others parents)?


Obviously this is subjective but what is the general thoughts for being prepared for courtship? Should they have everything lined up as if they were getting married tomorrow? Do you have to be ready for marriage before you should even consider courtship?


At what levels can courtship happen at? I mean at just the basic friend level? Do they need to become good friends and then start courting? Friends and then start courting? Acquaintances and start courting?

[Jezz]

Don't overthink it. Go with how you feel led.

You meet someone, get to know them, like them, ask them out, date them and all the time you're in constant prayer and asking the Lord for guidance and help to stay in His perfect will.

[joris]

I found, last time I was struggling with, having "feelings" for some girl, I in the end told her; I didn't exactly plan that, had had many occasions when I had prayed/wished I could open up, at some point I could, kinda.
She said, no, wasn't really interested in growing closer as friends, and surely no she didn't have any such feelings.

Note: I'm not used to message culture around all this. That said, at the point I opened up finally, I wasn't exactly planning anything there; I had had months of struggling, and at times very strong sadness, having the feeling she's so not interested in me, not in the least. Now that is far too strong, as she's a good friend, was at that time, and currently still is.

I find it a bit strange thing you say, that most are looking "this girl could be the one, oh, or maybe that". I'm not sure what it is, but I'm not looking like that. I guess it's only if that heart goes on it's own (let's call it what it is, when there's the thing called "infatuation"), that I start "noticing" both a loving character, and the outer beauty.
I can't explain, it's just as if I'm, not seeing, perhaps that's a thing God "put to sleep". A good thing, as it's only brought pain and rejection for me.

Anyway, there's no how. There's no formula. Ask God for guidance; perhaps pray just like, for Him to protect her not to get in any relationship He doesn't lead her in. (and the same for yourself, if you like)
If you're having feelings for some girl, it's hard to see what is His will (and perhaps also hard not to see Him as cruel if it'd happen not to be this girl) so you need His protection and all. Bring all to Him, whatever thoughts, feelings, and possibly lusts -- nothing He doesn't already know in all that.

[blessed]

GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Firstly

STOP!.. DON'T THINK.... Breathe slowly.... in and out..

Now... if you both like each other.. then COURT!!!!!!!!!!.... talk to her dad.. spend time getting to know each other and pray about how the Lord wants you to proceed.

Its not as complicated as you make it... sometimes its possible to reason your way out of the will of God for you life.

[leahmb]

There's no formula. Ask God for guidance; perhaps pray just like, for Him to protect her not to get in any relationship He doesn't lead her in.

Good advice! One thing to remember is that it's a relationship, meaning it involves more than just you. The other person should WANT to be involved. I don't think how much you have a plan of how things should go, loads depends on the other half of the relationship and how they handle things.

IMHO the stage between 'never met' and 'courtship' should be FRIENDSHIP. And that doesn't mean using the word 'friendship' as a synonym for 'courtship' in your mind.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't help writing on here without feeling somewhat guilty...I won't be going into details, but it may help out here. So...*announcement* I, myself, am now in a courtship!!

My experience so far has been as I expected...pray, pray some more, pray about certain people, see where God takes it. Later you find out the person was praying the same thing. I don't think it takes a lightning revelation, but just a daily walk of trying to find God's will and being open for whatever, WHEREever (grr) it may lead you. And I wasn't worried about it...I obviously had certain ideas, but I wasn't, as we'd say, 'actively looking,' it just more or less happened. So my advice is to not worry about each little detail, but just have confidence if God wants 2 people together, he'll be the one in control and he can work out the details :)

Psalms 37:4
Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

[NeedGod]

At the risk of sounding like an echo, I will say prayer is more improtant than anything at all. But I have to tell you thoguh, asking the father is so important. See, I have been courted before and the guy asked my dad for permission. It did not work out but I respect that guy so much such that if anything happened and it works out later, I will have no regrets. I felt special. So despite the fact that it seems so hard and complicated, just go along with your heart. Just don't rush anything. Let The Good Lord lead you. It sounds so simple right? Well, its that simple. But I will urge you to get so close to God that He will take away some of your confusion and actually guide you to whoever He has ou might have a few misses but when He guides you, it all goes smoother

[joris]

But I have to tell you thoguh, asking the father is so important.Where I live this is not at all common (and for me, it'd make the already almost-impossible thing of speaking out totally impossible) -- shouldn't it be enough to ask Father? ;)

[shasta-daisy]

WOW! I agree that it doesnt have to be that complicated. I do have a question, though. I read a lot about courting and I am not familiar with the term. 'Round these parts, there is dating then if it all works out and all..... engagement. What does courting mean??

[NeedGod]

Where I live this is not at all common (and for me, it'd make the already almost-impossible thing of speaking out totally impossible) -- shouldn't it be enough to ask Father? ;)
now now Joris, lol. No shortcuts now. :P

[Skirty]

What is the stage called between “never met” and “courtship”? How does that work? Ok, so every situation is different but still any thoughts on this? Friendship...

Don't try and make yourself a paint-by-numbers plan... it doesn't work like that. Keep yourself in line with God's word, and he'll open the right doors at the right times for you.

[leahmb]

WOW! I agree that it doesnt have to be that complicated. I do have a question, though. I read a lot about courting and I am not familiar with the term. 'Round these parts, there is dating then if it all works out and all..... engagement. What does courting mean??

It's more or less a term. Something I remember from Josh Harris's book is that there are "Serial Courters" and "Saintly Daters."

But I think the idea of courting is that it is something more than dating 'just for fun,' and is a more focused time of getting to know each other to find out for sure if they are the one you are supposed to marry.

[AgapZoe]

Happy for you Leah, pleasant announcement. May God guide you and the guy in your courtship. ;-) so,back to the topic, it's pretty been said... I don't know, but if you let the Holy Ghost be your guide, you wont go wrong. :-) "You will know..."

[Jezz]

Dating vs Courting really is just semantics as far as I'm concerned. All you need is the right attitude, not the right word.

[blessed]

hmmm.. you're smart..

[NeedGod]

Been reading literature about courting, dating etc. I think you need to get the compilation of notes on courting with you. It was super helpful. Most people like taking shortcuts but i'll be honest with you, as a believer, you must not take shortcuts if you like a girl. Cause if you do, you might end up messing up. So read the literature on courtship and go the long way. Its harder and more taxing, but the end results are more pleasant. And don't forget to include God. If you find that when you're courting a girl God starts coming second, you're in trouble. I found that out the hard way. God wants to come first. So in friendship and courtship, put Him first. Talk about Him, ensure the other person loves Him too as much as you do etc. That'll bring terrific results. The preacher said on Sunday that if you find you can't talk about God in your friendships, you have the wrong friends.
Post too long already but i have to add, don't forget to pray together over everything.

[Stanley J]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't help writing on here without feeling somewhat guilty...I won't be going into details, but it may help out here. So...*announcement* I, myself, am now in a courtship!!

My experience so far has been as I expected...pray, pray some more, pray about certain people, see where God takes it. Later you find out the person was praying the same thing. I don't think it takes a lightning revelation, but just a daily walk of trying to find God's will and being open for whatever, WHEREever (grr) it may lead you. And I wasn't worried about it...I obviously had certain ideas, but I wasn't, as we'd say, 'actively looking,' it just more or less happened. So my advice is to not worry about each little detail, but just have confidence if God wants 2 people together, he'll be the one in control and he can work out the details :)

Psalms 37:4
Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Wow congrats!!! That's great!
Didn't I meet you last weekend??

[leahmb]

Hmmm...actually! I think I remember meeting you about 5 years ago. <gasp> I didn't make an impression?

[joris]

I can't help writing on here without feeling somewhat guilty...I won't be going into details, but it may help out here. So...*announcement* I, myself, am now in a courtship!!Congrats :)
But why would you feel guilty ?? :)

[leahmb]

I was feeling guilty for not letting my online friends know my news, when other people knew...

[NeedGod]

Aaaaw Leah, no problem at all not letting people know. *gosh she is so sweet*

[jordancpeterson]

Aaaaw Leah, no problem at all not letting people know. *gosh she is so sweet*

I'm a real life and online friend and I didn't even know... so don't feel bad. :D :yay:

[Babyruth]

Wow congrats!!! That's great!
Didn't I meet you last weekend??
Hmmm...actually! I think I remember meeting you about 5 years ago. <gasp> I didn't make an impression?
:rofl:...................

[shasta-daisy]

Congrats Leah!:bigsmile:

[NeedGod]

Ah, Ruth is laughing at the exchange. *putting on my Sherlock Holmes thinking cap*

[Stanley J]

I'm a real life and online friend and I didn't even know... so don't feel bad. :D :yay:

That's because you're special :ninja: Special treatment for special people... And you were too blind to face reality LOL jk :devilish_

[Stanley J]

Ah, Ruth is laughing at the exchange. *putting on my Sherlock Holmes thinking cap*

Very suspicious indeed

[NeedGod]

Ok, its getting more suspicious. Now she says she misses your presence in the iro thread.

[Noe]

, asking the father is so important.

I would rather find out that someone was interested in me before my parents did and i would rather be the one to tell my parents

[jordancpeterson]

As many have already said... it really bowls down to each individual situation. Everything comes into play. :) The first post looks more like a exasperated rant! ;) :peep:

[countrygurl]

I think you have a serious overthinking problem Jordan...

[NeedGod]

It makes it easier if the parents know first Noe. That way if you.re not interested, your parents can deal with it

[joris]

It makes it easier if the parents know first Noe. That way if you.re not interested, your parents can deal with itExactly why should they deal with it? Other than that you can get away from doing the painfull thing of say 'no'.

Err; and if I had applied that strange rule... I found the hard way that God had set His mind such that I had to speak out before He freed me from that burden on the heart

[Noe]

It makes it easier if the parents know first Noe. That way if you.re not interested, your parents can deal with it

I am able to stick up for myself

[marichino_freedom]

It makes it easier if the parents know first Noe. That way if you.re not interested, your parents can deal with it


i disagree. if someone is old enough they don't need their parents to deal with stuff like that. if they aren't interested, they should be able to tell the guy themselves.

i guess i am the more confrontational type, though.

[EllyMae]

I think guys do it more out of respect for the parents...

But, what I wonder is... Could there ever be a circumstance where it would be ok to go against her parents' wishes and ask her to court anyhow?

[NeedGod]

I would say talking to a pastor would be the solution when a parent says no. Most times, parents have a good basis for saying no, but there are times they do when they're applying their prejudices etc that shouldn't apply. I would say talking to a minister and reading The Word for answers would help in situations like these

[Jezz]

I think guys do it more out of respect for the parents...

But, what I wonder is... Could there ever be a circumstance where it would be ok to go against her parents' wishes and ask her to court anyhow?

Hard question.

My first thought was yes, but I'm really unsure after thinking about it. I think you'd have to pray that the Lord would change your parents mind if it is His will that you court this certain guy.

[leahmb]

I But, what I wonder is... Could there ever be a circumstance where it would be ok to go against her parents' wishes and ask her to court anyhow?

I know of one...the father of the sister had personal issues with the brother, but both pastors agreed that it was ok, so they proceeded. I think with time, the father adjusted. I also think if the parents are not believers, it may be ok to court against their wishes. I agree with what Esther said.

[jordancpeterson]

It makes it easier if the parents know first Noe. That way if you.re not interested, your parents can deal with it

Again it depends on... I know one girl that was telling me just the other day that she's never been so thankful for her dad as when a boy that was interested in her asked her dad about taking her out. She wasn't interested and was very glad her dad took care of it.

[marichino_freedom]

I also think if the parents are not believers, it may be ok to court against their wishes.

:D

Hence, me!!!! :peep: :)

and look at how well things worked out!

[EllyMae]

Ok, then my next question is:

What are you all's opinions of parents telling a brother no for the reason that he has not yet finished college, even if he feels he is ready for courtship? Should he respect their decision and wait... or, move on?

[Jezz]

These are very specific questions.... anything you're not telling us? :D

I see no reason why two people can't date while one or both are at college, marriage should never happen though until they are financially stable (ie a job or jobs).

But if the parents so no, then stay friends and wait until college is over. I'd wait for the right girl for a year, two, or three. If you don't feel she is worth waiting for then why do you want to date her in the first place?

[leahmb]

Ok, then my next question is:

What are you all's opinions of parents telling a brother no for the reason that he has not yet finished college, even if he feels he is ready for courtship? Should he respect their decision and wait... or, move on?

I don't think moving on would be the right option (I'm with Jezz on this)...

Waiting probably wouldn't hurt. It may also depend what year of college he's in...say if he's in his first year, wait till the 3rd or 4th year to start courting.

[jordancpeterson]

I'm with Jezz and Leah on this too. There are (in my opinion) very few reasons to go against the wishes of parents (and these are so few... I hate to say there are even any).

[EllyMae]

These are very specific questions.... anything you're not telling us? :D

I see no reason why two people can't date while one or both are at college, marriage should never happen though until they are financially stable (ie a job or jobs).

But if the parents so no, then stay friends and wait until college is over. I'd wait for the right girl for a year, two, or three. If you don't feel she is worth waiting for then why do you want to date her in the first place?

Ahem... no. Lol, just things I've wondered after seeing other people's situations.

I agree with both you and Leah on this.

[collegegirl]

Colossians 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.


Ephesians 6:1-3
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;
That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

<shrug>

Sounds simplistic to me.

Look up what the word honor (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=honor) means. Heh, or just click the link. Largest list of definitions I've seen on there.

[jordancpeterson]

Largest list of definitions I've seen on there.

Whoa! You weren't there joking!

[collegegirl]

So maybe God wasn't kidding when He said honor your parents, because He knew it would cover a large area of ground, and only those sensitive to doing the right thing would truly be able to fulfill the word honor in the right sense.

Just like God's word in our lives. We can live in the letter of the law, or we can live the Spirit of the law.

[Jezz]

Unless your parents are stopping you from worshipping God (ie hearing the Word, going to church etc) then you should be listening to, respecting and obeying them. Same thing would apply to the laws of the country you live in.

If you disagree with their decisions then pray to God to change your mind or their mind according to His will.

[NeedGod]

I just remembered a case in our church back in Kenya. The boy's parents are the ones who were opposed to the marriage. They waited several years before the parents finally agreed and they got married. Close to 7 years actually. But finally with lots of prayer, the boy's parents who weren't believers finally agreed. I know most times people don't consider the boy's parents and I'm not even sure if they should, but just thought i'd share that case of a long wait. It was worth it though. There's no happier couple on earth than those two. Ok, maybe except Mary and Seth, lol

[joris]

I see no reason why two people can't date while one or both are at college, marriage should never happen though until they are financially stable (ie a job or jobs).You are never really financially stable. not if it depends on jobs anyway (or does 'firing people' not exist in America?)

Waiting probably wouldn't hurt.You know it hurts a great deal, don't you? If you didn't know, uhm --- yes, it does. I know; have seen a brother having to wait for years, only seeing his girlfriend (now his wife) only now and then, a few times a year, because of the great distance at which they lived (she lived in Rumania, He lives in Holland; She moved to Holland shortly before the marriage)
Now, but you're talking about, not being in relation yet; Now either the love fades away, after a lot of pain (do you want that?), or it does not, causing the pain to stay

Look up what the word honor (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=honor) means. Heh, or just click the link. Largest list of definitions I've seen on there.I haven't yet looked at it, but just -- dictionaries are known to contain a lot of garbage (just look up 'humbleness' - at least in Dutch, the definition as totally worthless - or it is, if 'humbleness' is not to be despised, at least)
So... anyway, be carefull when you cite dictionaries. They aren't always written by godly people.

[collegegirl]

Joris, just read the definition to find out for yourself. <shrug>

Then determine if you want to believe it or not. It is a good thing to be careful what you read, but make up your own mind based on sound judgement whether the definitions should be taken into consideration or not.

I've used the American dictionary enough times to be very comfortable with the definitions. And many words do mean a lot of meanings, but take it how you will.

[NeedGod]

Waiting hurts, but its worth it. Jesus is waiting for a perfect bride. It hurts Him that He can't be with us now. But its worth the wait just so we can be perfect. And its the right way. The right way is always better than the highway