chocolateismybestfriend
10-16-2006, 03:12 AM
I've posted this on my old xanga, and i just reread over it as i do sometimes and i thought... hey i should post this on the forum.
I of course am no expert on marriage seeing i've never been married, this is just what i've seen and heard.
Insights for Marriage
(my adapted version)
--------------------------------------------
1)
You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential.
The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married.
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
--------------------------------------------
2)
You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire but good character keeps it burning.
Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often translates to "I'm in lust".
Attraction is there but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are 5 character traits to check for:
Humility: Do I want to be like this person? Would I like for my children to be like this person?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving?
Respect: How does he or she treat other people, especially the immediate family and close friends?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to always do what they say they will do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself/herself? Does he or she enjoy life? Is he or she emotionally stable?
--------------------------------------------
3)
You choose the wrong person because you do not share common life goals and priorities.
There are 3 basic ways we connect with people: chemistry and compatability, common interests, and common life goals.
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection sharing life goals.
After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or apart.
To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you are living for while you're single.
Find someone who has the same conclusion as you.
--------------------------------------------
4)
Be sure how this person will treat you in public in front of their pastor, parents, siblings, best friends, closest relatives is the same way they will treat you behind closed doors.
--------------------------------------------
5)
You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deep emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deep emotional connection with this person ask yourself: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean "am I impressed" with this person.
We are impressed by fancy cars but it does not mean we respect someone that owns one.
You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, determination, loyalty, kindness, spirituality etc.
Ask yourself, "Do I trust this person"?
This also means is he or she emotionally stable? Are they totally reliable?
--------------------------------------------
6)
You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you do not feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
Does this person make me feel good about myself?
Can I fully express myself with this person?
Well make sure your mate makes you feel that way.
Are you afraid of this person in any way?
You should not feel you have to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it or react to it.
If you are afraid to express your feeling and views openly, there's a problem with that relationship.
Be on the lookout for people who try to change you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person, although it may not be in a phyiscal way.
There is a big difference between making suggestions and controlling.
A suggestion is made for your benefit...controlling statements are made for their benefit.
--------------------------------------------
7)
You pick the wrong person because you don't have everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion.
Bringing up uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together.
Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise.
You need to know now before making the commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for everyone?
Never be afraid to tell the other person what bothers you.
--------------------------------------------
8)
You pick the wrong person because you are looking for a way to escape from your own personal issues, problems, and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably unhappy and married.
Marriage does not fix personal, psychological, or emotional problems.
If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your own life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single.
You will be much happier and your future spouse will thank you.
--------------------------------------------
So, all of the above are traits i am looking for in my certian "one".
They are not too rigid, they are generic enough to allow a real person in.
I think too many people focus on what the potential they see in the other person, and not the reality of what they ARE.
Make sure they are HAPPY. If they are happy with themself and their life, they'll be happy in marriage too. If they are not happy, and not happy with themselves, you won't stay happy for too long and that marriage wont be so pleasant.
It's too easy to turn a blind eye to certian traits you dont like in the other person, but after marriage you have to keep turning that blind eye, and sooner or later you'll just have had enough.
In our religion, thats too bad, you're stuck.
I have promised myself never to settle.
To never think i may not come across anyone i like this much, even though he does this, this and that and this - i'll stick around. No More! It's not worth it, there IS someone out there that will suit me perfectly.
By His Grace, I will not HAVE to settle.
Outside of the Lord, the number one feature i secondly look for is respect.
Especially watch how he/she treats her immediate family and close friends, for you will become his/her family and be his/her closest friend in marriage.
I find how one treats family and close friends is how one will treat their spouse.
In a girl, watch for the kind of relationship she has with her dad, thats the most powerful male role model and relationship she would have had in her life and the way she respects and treats him is more than likely how she'll end up treating you. With you as her "head to be" you want to make sure she respects that role, and you'll be able to see that with how she interacts with her Dad.
In a guy, watch for the kind of relationship he has with his mum, likewise its the most powerful female role model in his life. The way he treats her is hopefully with kindness, love, admiration and thanks for all she's given him in time to raise him over his life.
Obviously this is a subject on my heart.
*throws 2 cents into a jar*
Be careful with your hearts and souls friends :)
I of course am no expert on marriage seeing i've never been married, this is just what i've seen and heard.
Insights for Marriage
(my adapted version)
--------------------------------------------
1)
You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential.
The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married.
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
--------------------------------------------
2)
You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire but good character keeps it burning.
Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often translates to "I'm in lust".
Attraction is there but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are 5 character traits to check for:
Humility: Do I want to be like this person? Would I like for my children to be like this person?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving?
Respect: How does he or she treat other people, especially the immediate family and close friends?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to always do what they say they will do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself/herself? Does he or she enjoy life? Is he or she emotionally stable?
--------------------------------------------
3)
You choose the wrong person because you do not share common life goals and priorities.
There are 3 basic ways we connect with people: chemistry and compatability, common interests, and common life goals.
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection sharing life goals.
After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or apart.
To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you are living for while you're single.
Find someone who has the same conclusion as you.
--------------------------------------------
4)
Be sure how this person will treat you in public in front of their pastor, parents, siblings, best friends, closest relatives is the same way they will treat you behind closed doors.
--------------------------------------------
5)
You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deep emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deep emotional connection with this person ask yourself: "Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean "am I impressed" with this person.
We are impressed by fancy cars but it does not mean we respect someone that owns one.
You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, determination, loyalty, kindness, spirituality etc.
Ask yourself, "Do I trust this person"?
This also means is he or she emotionally stable? Are they totally reliable?
--------------------------------------------
6)
You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you do not feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person?
Does this person make me feel good about myself?
Can I fully express myself with this person?
Well make sure your mate makes you feel that way.
Are you afraid of this person in any way?
You should not feel you have to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it or react to it.
If you are afraid to express your feeling and views openly, there's a problem with that relationship.
Be on the lookout for people who try to change you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person, although it may not be in a phyiscal way.
There is a big difference between making suggestions and controlling.
A suggestion is made for your benefit...controlling statements are made for their benefit.
--------------------------------------------
7)
You pick the wrong person because you don't have everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion.
Bringing up uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together.
Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise.
You need to know now before making the commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for everyone?
Never be afraid to tell the other person what bothers you.
--------------------------------------------
8)
You pick the wrong person because you are looking for a way to escape from your own personal issues, problems, and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably unhappy and married.
Marriage does not fix personal, psychological, or emotional problems.
If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your own life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single.
You will be much happier and your future spouse will thank you.
--------------------------------------------
So, all of the above are traits i am looking for in my certian "one".
They are not too rigid, they are generic enough to allow a real person in.
I think too many people focus on what the potential they see in the other person, and not the reality of what they ARE.
Make sure they are HAPPY. If they are happy with themself and their life, they'll be happy in marriage too. If they are not happy, and not happy with themselves, you won't stay happy for too long and that marriage wont be so pleasant.
It's too easy to turn a blind eye to certian traits you dont like in the other person, but after marriage you have to keep turning that blind eye, and sooner or later you'll just have had enough.
In our religion, thats too bad, you're stuck.
I have promised myself never to settle.
To never think i may not come across anyone i like this much, even though he does this, this and that and this - i'll stick around. No More! It's not worth it, there IS someone out there that will suit me perfectly.
By His Grace, I will not HAVE to settle.
Outside of the Lord, the number one feature i secondly look for is respect.
Especially watch how he/she treats her immediate family and close friends, for you will become his/her family and be his/her closest friend in marriage.
I find how one treats family and close friends is how one will treat their spouse.
In a girl, watch for the kind of relationship she has with her dad, thats the most powerful male role model and relationship she would have had in her life and the way she respects and treats him is more than likely how she'll end up treating you. With you as her "head to be" you want to make sure she respects that role, and you'll be able to see that with how she interacts with her Dad.
In a guy, watch for the kind of relationship he has with his mum, likewise its the most powerful female role model in his life. The way he treats her is hopefully with kindness, love, admiration and thanks for all she's given him in time to raise him over his life.
Obviously this is a subject on my heart.
*throws 2 cents into a jar*
Be careful with your hearts and souls friends :)