Funny corner

[Kiki]

Maybe you could make a funny corner where we can add some jokes, of course not ungodly. I think that would give some fun and interactivity you are looking for.
For example:

http://www.iskon.hr/2005/10/10/0196007.23.jpg

Is that ok Joe?

[Kiki]

wrote cheek, but meant check

[blessed]

:rofl: :rofl: hmmm interesting

[collegegirl]

:thumbup: LOL That is soooo funny.

[Christian-Samurai]

Its soooo funny cause its sooo true :D

[collegegirl]

LOL I was going to say the same thing. :D

[Christian-Samurai]

yeah well i already said it so BUHAHAHAHA :p

[collegegirl]

You know, it is unsanitary to take words out of other people's mouths. :p: :D

[JoeC]

Maybe you could make a funny corner where we can add some jokes... Is that ok Joe?

Yeah, run with it! Go ahead and set up a thread for it in the main forum if you like. :bouncie:

[Christian-Samurai]

yeah so dont be trying to take it out of mine :D

[collegegirl]

:p: JoeC, I found another one that doesn't work. The one where the yellow smiley is sticking out his tongue. It turns into the little smiley with the light purple face that is sticking out his tongue.

[blessed]

You two are gross.... :drool:

[blessed]

:drool: can this work for vomiting :D

[collegegirl]

Now who's gross? :D

[Christian-Samurai]

I liked the one i made, I called it McDrooly, I made it for another board but that was my fave one to use

[Christian-Samurai]

oh and your still the gross one :D

[collegegirl]

Why? because YOU are the one taking words out of people's mouths? :D

[Christian-Samurai]

No I am still pretty sure it was your hands stealing my words and copying them

[collegegirl]

Hey, I had them copyrighted. Back to the drawing board for you, sir. :tongue:

[collegegirl]

BTW, speaking of humor, before they had drawing boards, what did they go back to? :rofl:

[Christian-Samurai]

They went back to cave walls and painted them with nice little horsie pictures so cute :D

[collegegirl]

Ah ha, ah ha. *wrinkles up the nose* so funny I almost FORGOT to laugh. That was the Indians that drew them with the horsies.

[Christian-Samurai]

I believe they prefer to be called native americans :D ooo pretty horsies

[collegegirl]

:horseman: Sorry, I forgot that I have to be "politically correct". :rolleyes:

[Christian-Samurai]

I never really did understand that one... OH well i guess everyone has something they need to argue over. just call me crazy and i am ok with that :D

[collegegirl]

Speaking of history, it really all started with the equal rights movement. It couldn't be a mailman, because it was a woman doing it, so it has to be mail-person to be unbiased. But, this is a humor room. Sorry. :D

[Christian-Samurai]

PC always drive me crazy, if they tell me they want to be called one or the other thats great but dont correct me when i say it not everyone has the same veiw on it lol

[collegegirl]

It drives me crazy too, especially when they use it in class. My Supervisory/leadership skills teacher uses it kinda sarcastically. You know, like when they say it, they use air parenthases and roll the eyes. :rolleyes:

[Christian-Samurai]

Everyone has to have a hobby i guess, lol and ours is posting on this board and making people laugh and enjoy themselves :D Praise the Lord for such a fun hobby

[collegegirl]

It IS a fun hobby. I think I will go put it in my public profile. LOL :D

[Christian-Samurai]

Yes maybe I should start posting in japanese what do you think?? lol its one of my other fun hobbies lol

[collegegirl]

Go ahead. But then we can create a new rule: People can only post in ENGLISH. Ha ha. :yay:

[Christian-Samurai]

sigh so much for that idea

[collegegirl]

BUWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA *sinister victory laugh echoes across the board* :harhar1:

[Christian-Samurai]

well since you didnt think it was such a good idea, あなたはへんですよ！！

[collegegirl]

Well, consider it just as good as talking to yourself. :p

[Christian-Samurai]

english translation??? YOU are Weird lol

[collegegirl]

Sierse la boca la grande.

[Christian-Samurai]

lol yeah right... I think mine is funnier

[Christian-Samurai]

Oh and I am not that big :D

[blessed]

lol u all should read over these posts it makes us look really silly

[collegegirl]

Sierse la boca la grande.
I may not have spelled that right, but do you even know what that means? LOL :rofl: :D

[Christian-Samurai]

I think I got the idea. someone told me once what it was. :D

[collegegirl]

What then?

[Christian-Samurai]

Not going to say thats why it is in another language lol :D

[blessed]

si hermana
Dios le Bendiga

[Christian-Samurai]

Ah Ha i knew you some other language :D

[blessed]

que? :harhar1:

[Christian-Samurai]

yeah yeah , wakarimasen, gomen nasai

[blessed]

what in the world is that

[Christian-Samurai]

http://www.grimmy.com/images/MGG_Archive/MGG_2004/MGG0322.gif

My turn to post a funny picture

[Christian-Samurai]

http://www.grimmy.com/images/MGG_Archive/MGG_2004/MGG1115.gif

See I knew it even grimm doesnt like benji, I am not the only one heh

[blessed]

u are one strange bro

[collegegirl]

That is what I have been trying to tell him. :D

[Christian-Samurai]

How am I strange, as you can see from a fellow dog, Grimm doesnt like him and neither do I SOOOO nneeeaaaa :harhar1:

[blessed]

ok ...........by the way i have a friend name Bro Benjamin and we call him benji for short..and its not u samauri

[Christian-Samurai]

well good for him, you can call him that but keep me out of it :) ben or Benjamin if you please, thanks

[collegegirl]

:aaaah: Ahahahaa, he never included Benny in that list, so you know what that means....... :harhar1:

[blessed]

SO benny dp you have any more jokes for this corner :D...

We really need to revive this thread.

[blessed]

OH well I guess I'll do it myself.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

[BroTrevor]

OH well I guess I'll do it myself.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

<chuckle>

That actually was rather amusing...

[jtucker]

That was halirious LOL

[Christian-Samurai]

SO benny dp you have any more jokes for this corner :D...

We really need to revive this thread.
hmm wonder who this benny she is refering to :D

[redeemed]

OH well I guess I'll do it myself.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."


lol Blessed!! i know where you got that one from!:)

[blessed]

Lol.. keep a secret redeemed

[redeemed]

i never said i was going to tell! lol (why would i do a thing like that??...especially when you got one on me!):confused:

[BroTrevor]

Lol.. keep a secret redeemed

AND


i never said i was going to tell! lol (why would i do a thing like that??...especially when you got one on me!)

Thus begins the cruel struggle for one upmanship and eventual blackmailing....

[blessed]

ha ha ha....I don't think it will go that far Bro T

[jtucker]

well even if you did try to black mail each other you be so convicted that you would set things right

[BroTrevor]

ha ha ha....I don't think it will go that far Bro T

But what if it does?? You better get more dirt on redeemed just in case.

<chuckle>

[blessed]

ok.... will take your advice just in case...


Hey redeemed, got any dirt on yourself you would like to share, just in case I may need it in the future to blackmail you.

[BroTrevor]

Hey redeemed, got any dirt on yourself you would like to share, just in case I may need it in the future to blackmail you.

<sigh>

You really need to work on your subtlety.

[jtucker]

LOL amen brother

[blessed]

well... at least I tried. I wonder if it will work :D

[HotShot53]

I thought I was the leading future blackmailer around... no infringing on my territory ;) Tell me all your secrets ;)

[blessed]

Ha....... with T's training I will be the best blackmailer out. :chris:

Move over hotshot, oh by the way I do have some dirt on you

so give up your post or else..............

[SisTrev]

this funny thread seems to have turned into a blackmailing thread...:y10:

I think i'll stay out of this one...he he he

[jtucker]

it's probably better for me to stay out of this thread to but it's hard to balck mail me seeing as don't have really any dirt lol unless your considering the dirt under the grass inmy yard lol

[HotShot53]

Move over hotshot, oh by the way I do have some dirt on you

so give up your post or else..............

Lol, I've never chatted with you other than on the boards... so how could you know more about me than anyone else here?

[jtucker]

maybe she's a mind reader lol

[HotShot53]

maybe she's a mind reader lol

She can't steal that from me too.... Ask anyone I chat with alot, I'm the mind reader around here ;) I just wish it worked more frequently....

[jtucker]

someone call the authorities theirs been a mind reading power tehft.

::sirens in background::

[EllyMae]

Allllriiiiiighty..

I thought this was kind of funny since I'm going to be a college student next year..

If College Students Wrote the Bible


The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and
written in a large font.
New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

[HotShot53]

Lol, pretty true... except not living on campus, and never having pulled an all-nighter, I'd have to modify a couple of them for my own college experiance ;)

[redeemed]

ok.... will take your advice just in case...


Hey redeemed, got any dirt on yourself you would like to share, just in case I may need it in the future to blackmail you.

lol! you think i'm going to fess up???!!!! LOL

[blessed]

Lol, I've never chatted with you other than on the boards... so how could you know more about me than anyone else here?

You'd be suprised..,...

Hint... GIRLS TALK :D

[redeemed]

lol blessed!!!

[blessed]

:angel: .....

[HotShot53]

You'd be suprised..,...

Hint... GIRLS TALK :D

Lol, so which girls were you talking to? There is only one thing going around that I know of.... and it's not that bad ;)

[jtucker]

looks likes her lips are sealed lol

[HotShot53]

looks likes her lips are sealed lol

Nah, she just hasn't gotten online since then.

[NeedGod]

i doubt she'll say anything even when she does come online, lol:)

[blessed]

la de da de da da....

my lips are sealed no telling

girls tell each other we just don't tell guys

:angel:

[redeemed]

no kidding blessed!!!

[HotShot53]

la de da de da da....

my lips are sealed no telling

girls tell each other we just don't tell guys

:angel:

Lol, you'd be surprised at the leaks I've found ;)

[blessed]

Leaks, ha i doubt it...... you see girls let you think they are leaks so that you can share your info..... its just pure brilliance on our part.

[redeemed]

really?? :confused: i guess i should catch up on this stuff! lol

[HotShot53]

Leaks, ha i doubt it...... you see girls let you think they are leaks so that you can share your info..... its just pure brilliance on our part.

Lol, well, I wasn't sharing any info really, but got a bit of it ;) So this was a real leak, not just a trap ;)

[blessed]

hmm.... nice try hotshot I am still not talking oh by the way say Hi for me :rofl:

[HotShot53]

hmm.... nice try hotshot I am still not talking oh by the way say Hi for me :rofl:

Umm... say hi to whom?

[God'schild]

Leaks, ha i doubt it...... you see girls let you think they are leaks so that you can share your info..... its just pure brilliance on our part.


lol......................:yay: :yay:

[already bought]

Allllriiiiiighty..

I thought this was kind of funny since I'm going to be a college student next year..

If College Students Wrote the Bible


The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and
written in a large font.
New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

I don't agree with that joke that you just wrote. I know you ment it all in good but I don't believe the Bible is any thing to joke about. I know I'm guitly of it to AND my prayer Is God Help Me I don't want to be that way. I don't mean to hurt your feelings.
God Bless you.
Already bought

[blessed]

Ok I just had a brilliant thought to revive this thread (AGAIN) so here goes


The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious" the priest teased the rabbi.

"You really ought to try it. I know its against your religion but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just havent' lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prize Virginia Baked Ham.

Tell me Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The Rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin and said "At your wedding."

:rofl:

That's it folks jOke of the day tune in tomorrow God spare life for another JOKe ofThE DaY.

[EllyMae]

Haha, 'tis funny. :D

[blessed]

The USHER
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered :D :D

[SisTrev]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[redeemed_lizzi]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: That is hilarious

[blessed]

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn 1-dollar bill and a similarly distressed 20-dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The 20-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the 20 proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City,
the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway,
and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The 1-dollar bill replies,
"Oh, I've been to the MethodistChurch, the BaptistChurch, the LutheranChurch . . ." The 20-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?" :D

*Take note ppl don't let ur 20 dollar bill leave this life without knowing what a church is, you don't want that one on your conscience :D

[SisTrev]

hee hee hee....thanks for another funny joke there, blessed...keep 'em coming...

[collegegirl]

That is a good one!

But what is with all of the jokes having to do with church? lol :D

[blessed]

umm.. they're clean.

[Babyruth]

I love them blessed. They are great!

[Only One Life, Live 4 GOD]

these are actually from church bulliton boards:

dont let worry kill you off-let the church help

Miss chalene manson sang I will not pass this way again giving obviouse plesure to the congregation

Next thursday there will be tryouts for the choir they need all the help they can get.

scouts are collecting alimunim cans bottles and other items proceeds will be used to cripple children

[Skirty]

these aren't exactly jokes, but their funny just the same.
Strange true facts...

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products.

It is illegal to ride a streetcar on Sunday if have been eating garlic in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane as a precaution.

In Michigan, a man legally owns his wife's hair.

Kansas law prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat

The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows

[EllyMae]

I don't agree with that joke that you just wrote. I know you ment it all in good but I don't believe the Bible is any thing to joke about. I know I'm guitly of it to AND my prayer Is God Help Me I don't want to be that way. I don't mean to hurt your feelings.
God Bless you.
Already bought

Oh, I'm just now noticing this.

Of course I didn't write that... lol. But, I think it was more intended to joke on college students, not the bible.

[EllyMae]

Here are a couple that I also posted on my xanga.


Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Sounds just like a denominational church doesn't it? lol

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"

Hehe... I thought that was funny.

[azurity]

Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products.
I knew this world was prejudice against us lefties... but this, well... I never knew it was so dangerous to be left handed!

[SisTrev]

wow...thats scary...

and thanks for the jokes ellymae....funny...

[blessed]

"Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"


:rofl: That one was funny

[blessed]

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".


A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead

[leahmb]

I love the 3rd story; I had not heard it before :)

[SisTrev]

that 3rd one certaintly hits close to home....i mean think about all the school shooting lately...yikes...

[EllyMae]

This will give you all something to laugh about, either with me, or... at me. lol

Sometimes when our house is cold and my mom refuses to turn on the heat, she'll turn on a couple of the burners on the stove. I went into the kitchen to find something for me and my mom to eat, and as I always do when the burners are on, I held my hands and arms out over the fire to help warm up since I was freezing. Well, I guess I came just a little bit too close this time, because the next time I looked at my arms there were ashes on them! That fire burnt the poor little hairs on my arms... :ranting:

Haha, I just can't believe I did that. I mean, you'd think I'd notice wouldn't ya? Nope...

[HotShot53]

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".


I believe the teacher was right, though... a whale couldn't swallow Jonah... I'm pretty sure the Bible says it was a giant fish ;)

[blessed]

Hotshot maybe this will help you out a bit

joke
–noun 1.something said or done to provoke laughter or cause amusement, as a witticism, a short and amusing anecdote, or a prankish act: He tells very funny jokes. She played a joke on him.

2.something that is amusing or ridiculous, esp. because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously; farce: Their pretense of generosity is a joke. An officer with no ability to command is a joke.

3.a matter that need not be taken very seriously; trifling matter: The loss was no joke.

4.something that does not present the expected challenge; something very easy: The test was a joke for the whole class.

source dictionary.com

[HotShot53]

lol, if you notice blessed, I included the ;) after my post... it was supposed to be slightly funny itself, though I guess you missed that...

[SisTrev]

This will give you all something to laugh about, either with me, or... at me. lol

Sometimes when our house is cold and my mom refuses to turn on the heat, she'll turn on a couple of the burners on the stove. I went into the kitchen to find something for me and my mom to eat, and as I always do when the burners are on, I held my hands and arms out over the fire to help warm up since I was freezing. Well, I guess I came just a little bit too close this time, because the next time I looked at my arms there were ashes on them! That fire burnt the poor little hairs on my arms... :ranting:

Haha, I just can't believe I did that. I mean, you'd think I'd notice wouldn't ya? Nope...

ouch...that's gotta hurt...did your mom turn on the heat after that?

[Libby]

i got some jokes
this girl's dad was preaching and at the end of the sermon he said "i want you to leave your hearts and bring your seats to the Lord" :rofl:

in a church the pastor was praying for the sick and just before he prayed for a lady he said "mrs turner spranged her ankle we will now hold her leg up in prayer"

[Libby]

and another

A teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his snow boots. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time the second boot was on, she had worked up quite a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?!" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots My mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...."

[SisTrev]

and another

A teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his snow boots. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time the second boot was on, she had worked up quite a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?!" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots My mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...."



ROFL!!!! That's just great!! I must say tho that the teacher had a lot more patience than i would have...

[EllyMae]

My pastor tells that joke all the time..... lol.

[Libby]

oh look i have found another one.

A minister stood bowed in prayer and didn't realize the sun was bouncing off his shiny bald head. Finally, he looked up and said, "I think you'll agree that it is often good to spend time reflecting." :)

[Unregistered]

A grey bearded preacher, had preached sooo hard and everyone was touched, an old woman in the congregation seemed to be extremely touched as she wept soo hard all through the sermon, after the sermon, the preacher called her aside and asked her, "Old mama, what was it that i said that touched you sooo much? you seem realy touched", the old woman responded, "It wasn't actually much to do with your sermon, when i saw your grey beard, i remembered my pet sheep, which died some time back"

[SisTrev]

hee hee...serves the preacher right for calling her "old mamma".

[Only One Life, Live 4 GOD]

Silly Laws and real at that undoctored.


It is illegal to put ice cream on a cherry pie in Kansas.

Biting somone with you own teeth is asualt but biting somone with your false teeth is agrivated asualt - lousiana.

You may not step out of a plane in flight - Maine


One must not collect seaweed - New Hampshire

It is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while commiting murder - New Jersey

Violaters can be fined arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog - Oklahoma

Horses may not be kept in bathtubs - South Carolina

[SisTrev]

those are too funny ...are they for real? doesn't seem possible that someone would actually make those a Law...

[redeemed_lizzi]

those are too funny ...are they for real? doesn't seem possible that someone would actually make those a Law...

You'd be surprised. In Britain it is illegal for a Taxi to transport a bale of hay.

[Noe]

You'd be surprised. In Britain it is illegal for a Taxi to transport a bale of hay.

i thought it was illegal for a taxi not to transport a bale of hay.
it has something to do with horse and cart, so you had to have hay for the horse and it hasn't been changed or deleted or whatever.

you should hear some of the wierd laws to do with Christmas ( those to are because of how things were several hundred years ago and haven't been changed). i'm afraid i can't remember any because it was nearly a year ago when i heard them, but they were funny.

[Noe]

Washing a cat-- quick and easy!

1. Thouroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which i have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sibcerely,
A DOG OWNER

i think Dad got this as an e-mail.
belive me it's not easy to bath a cat, i have tried and ended up being scratched to pieces.:)

[Libby]

HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN?
A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?"

Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his granfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as clod water can get them, now stop being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpas dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!"

So Grandpa shouted, "COLD WATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!" :)

[SisTrev]

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Gag!!! Yuck!!!

But i have to admit that i cracked up laughing when i read this one ...

[Only One Life, Live 4 GOD]

those are too funny ...are they for real? doesn't seem possible that someone would actually make those a Law...


They sure are real!!!

[HotShot53]

One law that the rest of the world finds funny, but I'm sure we wouldn't mind seeing enforced... in Tucson, AZ, it's illegal for women to wear pants ;) (or for them to not wear skirts.. but you get the point ;))

[SisTrev]

i wish they'd pass that one in Indiana....:)

[Message]

Greetings you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. My Brother and Sister I am Brother Mark from Aus. I just want to testfly how good he is to me my Brother and My sister I love him with all my heart looking forworld to the grate day when our Lord shall come and take us home most of you heard my testmany I trust you well be bless to me I trust I well be bless to you my Brother and my sister. And I am looking farworld when we go to the wedding supper and then no more heartacts no more sorrow no more sicknes and no more tear the Lord well come out and come wepe our tears of joy God bless you I just I want to welcome you all

SHAOM:anglewing :headphone :welcome:

[AlanaH]

I've got some more of those laws...

In North Carolina, it's illegal to sing off-key.

In Texas, it's illegal to shoot a buffalo out of a second story window.

In Tennessee, it's illegal for frogs to croak after dark. (I guess they enforce that by offering frog legs on virtually every menu.)

And in Louisiana, it's illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

[Noe]

I've got some more of those laws...

In North Carolina, it's illegal to sing off-key.

In Texas, it's illegal to shoot a buffalo out of a second story window.

In Tennessee, it's illegal for frogs to croak after dark. (I guess they enforce that by offering frog legs on virtually every menu.)

And in Louisiana, it's illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

i have heard those jokes before.:rofl: they are so funny.
i heard Mark Lowry say them on a Gaither video

[Libby]

I found another one!!

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk,etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later her was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look in her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finaly told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, i'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
:)

[Only One Life, Live 4 GOD]

That IS funny

[SisTrev]

hee hee hee....Be careful what you tell your kids, because the Lord loves the simplicity and faith of a child.

Funny story...LOL

[blessed]

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner.
Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

[SisTrev]

hee hee heee.....some people...i tell ya...lol....

[Libby]

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner.
Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

Funny!!! :laugh:
i am not sure but i think i might of seen that one :unsure:

[Noe]

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner.
Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

:rofl: :rofl: that is so funny. i woudn't fall for that (i'm blonde)
speaking of blonde i was following a neighbor home the other day and this truck was blocking the entrance to our turning so she pulled over into the bus stop. i was like 'what on earth' and carried on driving and went through the other entrance she soon followed after. i'm telling you she is definatly 100% blonde:) .

[AlanaH]

i have heard those jokes before.:rofl: they are so funny.
i heard Mark Lowry say them on a Gaither video

Yup, but it applied, so I used it. He has a lot of hilarious ones.

[blessed]

Some of you may have heard it before but I thought it was very funny.

Three women are about to be executed.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

:rofl: :rofl: Guess she did not get to run :D

[Only One Life, Live 4 GOD]

Why are EVERYONE so Prejiduced against blondes???? Well what should I care my hair is going gingery not really blonde andymore so... ROLL THE BLONDE JOKES MATEYS!!!!

[Libby]

I got a few more :bigsmile:


A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in heaven..." :bigsmile:


A father was approached by his small son, who told you him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' What the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, what does the Bible mean?" "Daddy, it stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth. :bigsmile:

[Libby]

this is a real life story
when my little brother and sister pray at night before they go to bed my mom gets them to think about differant needs i.e. friends, family, bills and anything else that they can think of. One night my little brother who was five at the time was praying and he stoped in the middle of his prayer and said "i know we have to pray for bill but what happend to him" he was suppose to be praying that God would provide money for us to pay the bills and he thouht he was suppose to be praying for someone named Bill.

[SisTrev]

hee hee .....the innocense of a child....it's so cute...

[Libby]

as you can possiblely see i love telling jokes :) so here is another one :)

Cowboy Joe


Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." :laugh:

[Only One Life, Live 4 GOD]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now Mary takes her lamb to school
between two hunks of bread

Mary had a littl lamb and the doctor fainted

[Libby]

hey Only One Life i found a blonde joke for you :)
The Redhead

A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde." "I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[Libby]

i got some more for you :)

Two blondes trying to unlock the door of their car


Two blondes were observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde #1 said, "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" Blonde #2 replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

The FBI


There once was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Red head. They were all running from the FBI. They ran and ran. They saw this barn, they ran in. Then they saw 3 burlap sacks and hid in them.
The FBI guys entered the barn, and seeing the sacks kicked the first one which the brunette was in.
'Meow meow' says the bag.
'Oh its just some cats' says the man. He does kicks the next sack that the red head was in.
'Bark, Ruff!' comes from within the sack.
'Oh, its just a bunch of dogs!' he says. Then he goes to the last sack that the blonde was in, and before he could kick it, she said 'Potatoes!'

[Only One Life, Live 4 GOD]

Lol those r funny

[SisTrev]

rofl...i love the broken finger one....too funny

[Libby]

got another one!!!!!!:)

A Bucket of Nuts


On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered. "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man hobbling along with a cane. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's find out if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, but they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought-iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

[AlanaH]

Lol...ah my...that's a hilarious one.
And I like blonde jokes because I'm not blonde so I can appreciate them.
The best though is telling a blonde joke to a blonde and they don't get it. :)

[Libby]

AlanaH thats really funny :dft010: but im blonde and i get 99% of the jokes :)

[eagleendtime]

There was an enviromentalist driving down the road and he hits this hare. Of couse he has to stop, and tries to revive it. He is very distraught as his efforts fail. When a blonde drives up and asks what is happening.

The environmentalist, almost in tears explains the situation. The blonde walks back to her car, pulls out a spray bottle and comes back to the hare. She sprays the hare. The hare jumps up, bounces a few paces, looks back and waves. He then bouces another few paces, looks back and waves again. The hare keeps doing this and disappears into the woods.

The environmentalist is stunned and asked the blonde what she sprayed the hare with. She replies, it's hair spray, suppose to revive hair, put a bounce and a permanent wave to it.

[Libby]

hahahaha:lol: good one :thumbup:

[Libby]

Telling Lies

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog." :)

[marichino_freedom]

lol.....thats cute!

[SisTrev]

ROFL!!!!

Hee hee hee !!!!

[redeemed_lizzi]

:rofl: :rofl: That's hilarious

[blessed]

Ha ha ha ... Kids!!! you can't fool them :D

[redeemed_lizzi]

My sister just told me this one - What did 0 say to 8?...Nice belt :lol:

[leahmb]

My sister just told me this one - What did 0 say to 8?...Nice belt :lol:

Luv that! :)

[SisTrev]

hee hee...took me a minute but i got it.

[Noe]

quite amussing:)

[HotShot53]

hee hee...took me a minute but i got it.

Lol, yeah, took me a minute too... you'd never get that joke if it wasn't written down ;)

[blessed]

I still don't get it.

[SisTrev]

I still don't get it.

bwaaaaahhhhhhaaaaa!!!!!

sorry...that just struck me as funny.

[Skirty]

I still don't get it.
That's ok , neither do I :)
It's probably extremely obvious though. lol

[SisTrev]

ok...this wont be funny if i explin it but i will anyway...

if you take a 0 and tie a belt around it really tight you get an 8.

[BroTrevor]

I'll be honest, SisTrev had to explain it to me. I just wasn't getting it.

[Skirty]

ok...this wont be funny if i explin it but i will anyway...

if you take a 0 and tie a belt around it really tight you get an 8.
lol, thanks. I still laughed.

[redeemed_lizzi]

Lol, yeah, took me a minute too... you'd never get that joke if it wasn't written down ;)

Yeah you would, you just need a vivid imigination ;). I laughed for ages when I heard it. It's what I would call a 'dad' joke :)

[blessed]

It's what I would call a 'dad' joke :)

Now that is what I would call funny.

[Libby]

I found another one :)

A first grade teacher collected some well known proverbs and gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb. She asked the kids to come up with the rest of the proverb - with some interesting results!...

Better be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .... bug is close.
It's always darkest before .... daylight savings time.
An idle mind is .... the best way to relax.
You can lead a horse to water but .... how?
Don't bite the hand that .... looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a .... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new .... math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll..stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the .... pigs.

[eagleendtime]

:lou: Kids say the most amazing things.

Heard one from a report about poachers in the Serengetti.

They where telling how they have become more effective in capturing and reducing the number of poachers. Over the course of the years the most effective means was taking there instruments; snare wire, traps, guns, etc. For they couldn't afford to replace them. The other alternative of the jail wouldnt work, it was a rough place. But they had no fence around it.

Why? As the ranger was reporting, the poachers had over time taken all the fence wire.

[Skirty]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Libby]

i have heard that one before:)

[Skirty]

it was voted 'world's funniest joke' by some research team.
I'm not sure about 'funniest', but it did make me laugh :laugh:

[Libby]

My mom didn't think it was funny :)

[vpiper]

that is really bad

[marichino_freedom]

it is, but it sure made me laugh

twisted sense of humor.........

[countrygurl]

That one always makes me laugh...

[Babyruth]

Thought these were hilarious! Some of them are so true! :rofl:


Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America......does a pizza get to your house FASTER than an ambulance.

Only in America.....do we park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway.

Only in America.....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !


Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

EVER WONDER ....



Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! !



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


---------------------------------------------------------------------



In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]


2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside".
[Evidently, the shoplifter special]


3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
[And that would be how...?]


4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
[But it's *just* a suggestion]


5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down".
[Oops, too late, you lose!!]


6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating.
[As sure as night follows the day . . . . .]


7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
[But wouldn't this save even more time?]


8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]


9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
[One would hope]


10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]


11. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".
[NEWS FLASH]


12. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet,eat nuts."
[Step 3: Fly Delta]


13. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
[I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

[Skirty]

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

That always weirds me out.
There was a guy arrested a few weeks back for driving, simply because he's blind. Silly rules. :)

[Babyruth]

I like the White House and Congress ones and the needle one. :)

[Libby]

Thought these were hilarious! Some of them are so true! :rofl:
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America......does a pizza get to your house FASTER than an ambulance.

Only in America.....do we park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway.

Only in America.....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! !

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside".
[Evidently, the shoplifter special]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
[And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
[But it's *just* a suggestion]

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down".
[Oops, too late, you lose!!]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating.
[As sure as night follows the day . . . . .]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
[But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
[One would hope]

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]

11. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts".
[NEWS FLASH]

12. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet,eat nuts."
[Step 3: Fly Delta]

13. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
[I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

These are soo funny :)
the ""In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:"" are the funnest ones :)

[JoeC]

Here's one for ya!

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of congress?

[HotShot53]

Here's one for ya!

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of congress?

That was in the list, only phrased slightly different ;)

[Babyruth]

Here's one for ya!

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of congress?
Thought we wouldn't notice it's the same? ;) We're too quick for you. Funny though. I'll have to use it sometime in my highly liberal school, now that Congress is becoming largely Democratic. heheheh...

[Babyruth]

Excerpts from a Dog's diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe....... for now...

[blessed]

That cat needs counselling

[Skirty]

Did my cat give that to you? lol
I love those!

[Babyruth]

Yeah, I talked to her. It was scary, but... :D

[SisTrev]

that was sooo funny....i can so see the dog and cat saying that...

[HotShot53]

lol, that was too funy...

[Skirty]

A politically correct Christmas...


How to wish a democrat 'Merry Christmas'


Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.

Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of their wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.




How to wish a republican 'Merry Christmas'



Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!



That always makes me laugh:)

[Nate]

Man, don't get confused. Republicans can be just as retentive, if not moreso, than Democrats.

[Babyruth]

Krista, those were great. Nate, I think the post was referring to the stereotypical Democrat and Republican. For shame, I know! We must not stereo-type! We must all be equal! We have to be politically correct at all times or else a big Easter bunny with a Christmas tree might try to skewer us. Or something like that. :D

[HotShot53]

Krista, those were great. Nate, I think the post was referring to the stereotypical Democrat and Republican. For shame, I know! We must not stereo-type! We must all be equal! We have to be politically correct at all times or else a big Easter bunny with a Christmas tree might try to skewer us. Or something like that. :D

Lol, that was about as funny as the original post ;)

[AlanaH]

Yeah, no kidding. I have to admit that almost all of these things have made me laugh. Good work everyone!

[Noe]

Today when my sis helped me with finishing up work we had to stop by an elderly customers house. As i started to pull up a guy, who was standing at the door, waved and rushed back in the house, as we came to a stop he was rushing back out and stoppped suddenly. My sis got out to see the customer and the guy apologised, because he thought we were the cab he was waiting for.:rofl:
i would have been really embarassed if he had got into my car:embarrassed:.
my dad had that happen to him. He was reversing round a corner when an elderly lady just opened the door and got in, then asked my dad to take her to the post office.:)

[leahmb]

Today when my sis helped me with finishing up work we had to stop by an elderly customers house. As i started to pull up a guy, who was standing at the door, waved and rushed back in the house, as we came to a stop he was rushing back out and stoppped suddenly. My sis got out to see the customer and the guy apologised, because he thought we were the cab he was waiting for.:rofl:
i would have been really embarassed if he had got into my car:embarrassed:.
my dad had that happen to him. He was reversing round a corner when an elderly lady just opened the door and got in, then asked my dad to take her to the post office.:)

That's so funny! Does your car LOOK like a taxi?? My friend once did that @ work. She walked to her 'boyfriend's' truck, hopped in and it was someone else :D She was mortified, but then thought it was hilarious, because her boyfriend watched her do it........

[Babyruth]

I have a funny story from my Greek grandma. I was talking to her on the phone on Christmas Eve and we were talking about lots of things, and somehow we got onto the topic of nationality, big surprise, I know. :D Anyways, she was saying how my sister and I were born in Canada, but we are half Canadian and half American because of my mom, and all that. Then she said, "but really, you're Greek." It was hilarious. She said, "Your brother, he's not Greek, because he has red hair, but you and your sister, you're Greek." I laughed. It was funnier hearing her say it, especially with her Greek accent. A Greek is always a Greek. :D

[blessed]

Well maybe she is right..... you are Greek!!

[leahmb]

I have a funny story from my Greek grandma. I was talking to her on the phone on Christmas Eve and we were talking about lots of things, and somehow we got onto the topic of nationality, big surprise, I know. :D Anyways, she was saying how my sister and I were born in Canada, but we are half Canadian and half American because of my mom, and all that. Then she said, "but really, you're Greek." It was hilarious. She said, "Your brother, he's not Greek, because he has red hair, but you and your sister, you're Greek." I laughed. It was funnier hearing her say it, especially with her Greek accent. A Greek is always a Greek. :D

There are no red-headed greeks?

[AlanaH]

Not full blooded ones that I've seen. Actually, most of them have darker hair right?

[Babyruth]

There are no red-headed greeks?
Apparently not, at least in her mind. Yeah, full-blooded Greeks have no red hair and most are dark and there are a few blondes.

[Christian-Samurai]

Greeks are boring lets talk about someone more exciting like the Scotts :D

[Babyruth]

Hah! If it weren't for the Greeks, the Scots wouldn't be alive. You know, the Greeks invented medicine and weapons. In fact, the word "Scottish" comes from the Greek word....

[Skirty]

Hah! If it weren't for the Greeks, the Scots wouldn't be alive. You know, the Greeks invented medicine and weapons. In fact, the word "Scottish" comes from the Greek word....
Well we ALL know that the Greeks actually came from the Germans.... :D

[Babyruth]

Well we ALL know that the Greeks actually came from the Germans.... :D
Blasphemy! Not a word is true. The Greeks are one of the few "pure" races. :D

[vpiper]

Blasphemy! Not a word is true. The Greeks are one of the few "pure" races. :D

except for the redheaded ones right?

[AlanaH]

Basically. I like the Scots...but I'm more Irish, German and Norwegian than Scots.

[Libby]

I got a few questions can anyone get them all right??


What kind of bird gets out of breath?
What does a grape do when it gets stepped on?
Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
Why did the boy eat his homework?
What happens to a frog that brakes down?
Whos the boss of the hankies?
What brakes when you say it?
Whats the best time to go to the dentist?
Why do campers walk quietly at night?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?

[Noe]

My Dad got this in an email. I thought it was quite funny.


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he
said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my WORD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my WORD! WHERE are we going
to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE
THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with
you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."

[SisTrev]

ROFL!!!!! That's hilarious!!! That's one of the better jokes i've heard in a while. Thanks for sharing!!!

[AlanaH]

I'm totally going to copy this and send it to a few people I know...

[redeemed_lizzi]

:rofl: I had to copy that and send it to my dad. He would soo appreciate that ;)

[EllyMae]

Ha Ha! That was hilarious.. sounds just like my parents! My mom is always yelling at my dad while he's driving. :D

[HotShot53]

lol, that is too funy... wonder if it would work ;)

[AlanaH]

I could try it on a few people I know...especially my best friend's mom...lol. :rollseyes:

[blessed]

HA Ha that's funny.. someone sent me that email a couple months ago.

[AlanaH]

I sent it to a few people...they liked it!

[Naomi Michelle]

That is VERY funny....
Grinz,
~Flower~

[Libby]

Here is the answers
I got a few questions can anyone get them all right??


What kind of bird gets out of breath? a puffin
What does a grape do when it gets stepped on? it lets out a little wine
Why does a seagull fly over the sea? because if it flies over a bay it would be called a bagel
Why did the boy eat his homework? because he thought it was a piece of cake
What happens to a frog that brakes down? it gets toad away
Whos the boss of the hankies? a hankiechief
What brakes when you say it? silence
Whats the best time to go to the dentist? tooth-hurty
Why do campers walk quietly at night? so they don't wake up their sleeping bags
What do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummy bear

[SisTrev]

ok...so I saw this on a bumper sticker this morn and it made me chuckle...

"BEER...Making white guys dance since 1842"

Hee hee...dont know why that struck me as funny, but it just did. Sorry if that offends anyone.

[vpiper]

I think it's funny.

[AlanaH]

Speaking of bumper stickers...

I saw one the other day : "Want to question authority? Fine. Ask me anything."

[redeemed_lizzi]

ok...so I saw this on a bumper sticker this morn and it made me chuckle...

"BEER...Making white guys dance since 1842"

Hee hee...dont know why that struck me as funny, but it just did. Sorry if that offends anyone.

That is highly amusing :lol:

[redeemed_lizzi]

You might have seen this before, but never mind its' Friday ;)

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines,
Germany for technology, French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for
equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and complain of exploitation by the
whole world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put
the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that
nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years,
eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.


CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

[AlanaH]

Lol...that's horrible. But that's about the way it is.

[SisTrev]

those were hilarious!!!

[Cherith F.]

Speaking of bumper stickers...

I saw one the other day : "Want to question authority? Fine. Ask me anything."


Alana, I love this one. Sounds like me. hahaha

[Dream Orange]

Originally Posted by AlanaH
Speaking of bumper stickers...

I saw one the other day : "Want to question authority? Fine. Ask me anything."


Alana, I love this one. Sounds like me. hahaha


No, Joke Cherith isn't lying at all!! She try's that all the time.. LOL